Why Wedding Rings Aren’t Necessary

Wedding Day Hands Clasped

Once upon a time, when I was a newly married woman…

My husband and I each had beautiful new rings on the fourth finger of each of our left hands. Oh how I loved those rings!

At the start of our marriage, other than the fine craftsmanship of the design, a main reason why I loved the rings so much was that they showed other people that my husband was taken.

You see, my trust is very compartmentalized. While I trust some things, people, or situations, I definitely do not trust most things, people, or situations. When I do trust, it is surface-level and I am usually already thinking about what I will need to do if that trust is broken.

When we were first married, I had a very hard time trusting pretty much any woman my husband encountered, and to a degree, even my husband himself. I wanted to trust people. I really had no reason to not put my faith in others, but an irrational but very real part of me refused to let go of that paranoia.

Because of this fear, the ring to me became a symbol. Not of our love, but of his unavailability.

Bouquet and wedding rings picture.

Within about a year and a half of being married, my husband lost his ring at work. Not only was I frustrated at the situation of an expensive piece of jewelry going missing, but I was also frustrated that he now did not have an obvious symbol to show all the ‘predatory women’ that he was married. I immediately began searching for a new ring for him- for my sake, not his. By the end of the night, I had many options for him to choose from so we could immediately get a new wedding ring on his finger. But he didn’t want to look at the options that night. Nor the next night, nor the night after that.

So I got angry. Clearly, he wanted to sleep around with other women and it was obvious because he wasn’t in a hurry to find a new wedding ring. Clearly.

After a few weeks of me being upset because of his slowness to shy off the throngs of women who were falling madly in love with him during his ring-less reign, he finally realized that he wasn’t going to find his ring and so he ordered a new one. Problem solved. His women-repellent was activated and my fretting was dulled…

…because of a ring.

Because a ring is the one who decides the goodness and the faithfulness of the man. Because a ring is what determines the attitudes and actions of others around him. Because a ring holds that much power in its simple, lifeless form….

As I have grown personally, I have realized something about this situation. A ring on a finger is not what cultivates or even saves a marriage. Two individuals must make the commitment daily to love and cherish each other. A marriage should not be controlled by other people or things. Instead, it is nurtured through decisions, actions, and reactions of the married individuals. The work that a person puts into lifting his/her partner is what will build a relationship.

Happy couple.

Wedding rings are not about personal pride or claiming ownership. To me, they are a reminder of the work and love that we have willingly poured into helping each other. While a wedding ring may mean something different to others, it should be remembered that the object in and of itself does not hold the commitment of a marriage.

I have since realized just how irrational my thinking was. There is no reason to get worked up over the loss of something that is merely a symbol of love and companionship. Instead, we should strive to build our relationship up in a way that no worldly symbol could possibly begin to explain. This is what should matter the most: the bond between the two individuals, and not the appearance of the bond itself.

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Due Date of a Miscarriage

It has now been 6 and a half months since I miscarried our first child. Today, June 10th was the anticipated due date of that sweet little angel. To anyone else, this date doesn’t really mean anything. After all, there is no excitement because there will not be a child to hold, to take cute pictures of, to be proud of as we share a list of firsts. No, this baby never had an existence. Not to the world, not to the people we love, and hardly even to me. And yet, my heart breaks because this one ‘almost was’ is a ‘never had been.’ And that is just how it is.

Since the time of our loss, I have moments where my brain likes to imagine the possibility of there being another child in my stomach that didn’t pass who is just quietly growing without a trace. The TV show, I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant keeps coming to my mind as I hope I can be one of the strange cases that make no sense. It is a sick game that my imagination likes to play with me. Now that my due date is here, pregnancy tests continue to turn up negative, and I show no signs of labor, I am finally able to breathe and take a moment to solidify that I definitely miscarried and I am definitely not pregnant. And that is just how it is.

Several of my old friends have either given birth this week or are expecting here shortly and I so badly want to say, “We would have been due together- that’s so cool!” But it’s not so cool, because we aren’t due at the same time because while they carried to full term, I did not. I lost mine and they didn’t. And I hope they rejoice that they were able to have theirs. But I must keep quiet because no one should have to feel sadness or guilt during their exciting time. What once would have been such an exciting time for my family no longer is and I feel like it emotionally can be no one else’s burden but my own. And that is just how it is.

My husband and I will be coming on our 5th wedding anniversary in two months. We had hoped to have a baby by that point in our lives. When our pregnancy occurred, I was elated because we would be able to accomplish that goal. Apparently that goal is being elongated by a higher power, so I have thrown the goals out the window. Maybe another pregnancy will happen, but for now, I give it no timetable because apparently I can’t control procreation like I thought I could. And that is just how it is.

 

While my little angel baby did not last for very long on this Earth, the love and the emotional connection that was built will never wane. And that is just how it is.

NOVICA: Moment of Tenderness

 

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How is Sex?

 

I have a favorite question. When I was younger I would ask it and now that I’m an adult and married it is asked of me.

“Are you trying to have a baby?”

Sometimes I think it’s a question we think the other person wants us to ask or maybe we want to show interest in that individual. Most of the time, I think it’s more about general curiosity. We actually want to know about the plans of the other person. Humans are so curious, aren’t we?   

This question, in its most simple and basic form, is quite innocent. When people ask it, they aren’t generally thinking about what the question is actually implying.

When the words “Are you trying to have a baby?” leave someone’s lips, what is really being asked is “Are you having sexual relations with someone of the opposite gender and are you doing so unprotected?” In as many or as few words.

Pexels

The subject of sex is so often taboo. Most people don’t want to know when others are doing it or especially how others are doing it. However, when the interest of a baby comes into view, all of a sudden everyone wants to know. And I mean everyone! I have random conversations at the store, in my church groups, with neighbors who want to know if we’ve ‘started’ yet. I’m sure you’ve experienced the same!

I don’t normally try to hide my life from other people, so if someone asks I will answer as honestly as possible (the level of sass and sarcasm vary depending on the individual and my emotional state. (Read about my miscarriage here.)) Quite frankly, I don’t mind if people ask me. It is just quite comical how people genuinely want to know if others are romping naked and unprotected in the bedroom.

The next time you begin to ask if someone is trying for a baby, remember that what you’re really asking is:

“Are you having sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex during specific times of the month without any type of contraception?”

Pexels
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