It has now been 6 and a half months since I miscarried our first child. Today, June 10th was the anticipated due date of that sweet little angel. To anyone else, this date doesn’t really mean anything. After all, there is no excitement because there will not be a child to hold, to take cute pictures of, to be proud of as we share a list of firsts. No, this baby never had an existence. Not to the world, not to the people we love, and hardly even to me. And yet, my heart breaks because this one ‘almost was’ is a ‘never had been.’ And that is just how it is.
Since the time of our loss, I have moments where my brain likes to imagine the possibility of there being another child in my stomach that didn’t pass who is just quietly growing without a trace. The TV show, I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant keeps coming to my mind as I hope I can be one of the strange cases that make no sense. It is a sick game that my imagination likes to play with me. Now that my due date is here, pregnancy tests continue to turn up negative, and I show no signs of labor, I am finally able to breathe and take a moment to solidify that I definitely miscarried and I am definitely not pregnant. And that is just how it is.
Several of my old friends have either given birth this week or are expecting here shortly and I so badly want to say, “We would have been due together- that’s so cool!” But it’s not so cool, because we aren’t due at the same time because while they carried to full term, I did not. I lost mine and they didn’t. And I hope they rejoice that they were able to have theirs. But I must keep quiet because no one should have to feel sadness or guilt during their exciting time. What once would have been such an exciting time for my family no longer is and I feel like it emotionally can be no one else’s burden but my own. And that is just how it is.
My husband and I will be coming on our 5th wedding anniversary in two months. We had hoped to have a baby by that point in our lives. When our pregnancy occurred, I was elated because we would be able to accomplish that goal. Apparently that goal is being elongated by a higher power, so I have thrown the goals out the window. Maybe another pregnancy will happen, but for now, I give it no timetable because apparently I can’t control procreation like I thought I could. And that is just how it is.
While my little angel baby did not last for very long on this Earth, the love and the emotional connection that was built will never wane. And that is just how it is.